How does this sound?

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How does this sound?

Postby Mac » Fri 18 Jun, 2010 1:13 am

I have enlisted the service of a professional copywriter to write the text for my website and published media.

Would you be so kind as to give the initial texts a quick read and pass me your thoughts?

Q1. Your view of the written style
Q2. From the text would you understand what it is the company could do for its clients

The text is broken into three sections.

Introduction:
PAGE: HOME
HEADLINE: Welcome to Buff Design
SUBHEAD: Where ideas come to life

Buff Design is a Cornish based industrial design company. We specialise in product development, manufacturing and brand modelling as well as product testing and compliance. Businesses in Cornwall, Devon, Dorset, Somerset and across the UK call on us to help them turn their ideas into new products.
We are a company that believes every idea has potential. We also believe in creating products that consumers love to use. We believe in getting products to market quicker, at a cost that’s lower. And we believe in using our depth of knowledge to add financial and intellectual value to every project we work on. That includes yours. Let’s bring it to life.


On a seperate page accesed by navigation from the above page

SUBHEAD: For inventors:
Acting on ideas makes the world go round. But turning a great idea into a great product can be a complicated process. At Buff Design we help clients bring their ideas to life, guiding new products into mass production. But we know budgets can be tight. That’s why we offer everyone a free initial consultation. And why we sometimes give our clients the option to use our services for free in exchange for a share of the business. Of course, there’s no obligation to work with us. Just impartial advice from the experts. For free.
[navigation]<< Book a free consultation >>
[navigation]<< Find out more about how we work >>


On a seperate page accesed by navigation from the above page

SUBHEAD: For businesses:
We take business seriously. Just ask our clients. We’ve saved them millions of pounds by assessing the small details of their manufacturing process, without ever losing sight of the bigger picture. So if you want to cut the cost but keep the quality, talk to us. We can also help you create new product designs and we’ve even got the kind of marketing knowledge that can help make your project a big success. Want to get things started? We offer all new clients a free consultation to do just that.
[navigation]<< Book a free consultation >>
[navigation<< Find out more about how we work >>


Thanks In Advance

:D
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby vikki » Fri 18 Jun, 2010 12:56 pm

sounds good to me - pretty clear and mentions the free consulation bit a couple of times so even thickos like me spot it.just need to think of an idea now. >?:PLO

couple of lines that stood out for me on first read through -


We can also help you create new product designs and we’ve even got the kind of marketing knowledge that can help make your project a big success.

We can also help you create new product designs and we’ve also got the kind of marketing knowledge that can help make your project an even bigger success.


does my version sound better? >?:PLO >?:PLO


Businesses in Cornwall, Devon, Dorset, Somerset and across the UK call on us to help them turn their ideas into new products.

two ways of looking at this one.

mentioning cornwall dorset etc by name inevitably creates image of a local company.and potentially reduces confidence outside this region that you are the company for them?? but a positive if you live in this region - yokels of the world unite etc etc.
guess it would depend on where you realistically expect most work to come from. >?:PLO
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Mac » Fri 18 Jun, 2010 1:04 pm

THANKS VIKKI :D

That's very thoughtfull of you and I will speak with the copywriter about your thoughts (damn... I may have to pay you out royalties now)

Re the goegraphics. The thinking is that for 'product design and development' there are about 550k searches a month accross the UK and i'm compeeting with about 6,000 other product design companies.

Locally I'm pretty much top of the list with 'cornwall' being one of the keywords.

To try to get in the top three on google for the UK is a tall order and could cost me a packet.

Verry good point though
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Murray Walker » Fri 18 Jun, 2010 1:12 pm

Sounds fine to me.
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby CrazyChick » Sun 20 Jun, 2010 8:35 pm

Is it good practice to have the same word (believe) in 4 consecutive sentences...? (in the Intro)

can you change one of the 'believe' to consider / ethos / value something else in a thesaurus.

otherwise sounds fine
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Mac » Sun 20 Jun, 2010 9:02 pm

I've read through it a few times now. changed a few things (not so much my own ideas but those of others)

Thing is I'm not sure that its fitting my brief properly. It works but its missing something I think >?:PLO
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Sculptor » Mon 21 Jun, 2010 7:54 am

Yes I agree it is missing something, perhaps it all just sounds too corporate and clinical and lacking the essence of you Mac but on the other hand maybe it has to?
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Anj x » Mon 21 Jun, 2010 1:09 pm

Sculptor wrote:Yes I agree it is missing something, perhaps it all just sounds too corporate and clinical and lacking the essence of you Mac but on the other hand maybe it has to?



he he...maybe a technical filled rant about the state of the economy/F1/Max Mosely/banks/tyres/f-ducts/schumacher, laced with some Senna worshipping would be more apt ;)
"I've always believed that you should never, ever give up and you should always keep fighting even when there's only a slightest chance"
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Anj x » Mon 21 Jun, 2010 1:13 pm

'c'off you >>>>>:L

There are important contextual keywords missing too
"I've always believed that you should never, ever give up and you should always keep fighting even when there's only a slightest chance"
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Anj x » Mon 21 Jun, 2010 1:14 pm

I am Anj. I'm so stoopid doitury
"I've always believed that you should never, ever give up and you should always keep fighting even when there's only a slightest chance"
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Sculptor » Tue 22 Jun, 2010 9:38 am

Ok, this is not meant in any way to be a word for word what you should use but just an example of a more personal approach to potential clients as a contrast to the corporate one that you have posted.

You will obviously need to fill in the gaps with the details:

I moved to Cornwall 2 years ago and setup my own company that is aimed at both small and large customers. I have a lifetime of experience working with 'x' and on projects such as 'x' and have a huge network of contacts and associates both in the uk and internationally. My company specialises in product development, manufacturing and brand modeling as well as product testing and compliance.

Good business requires several fundamental ingredients, the main one being a close working relationship with the client and a clear understanding of their objectives. My philosophy is that every idea has a potential and is worthy of development and I get immense pleasure from taking a concept, bringing it to life and through to the finished mass production.

The essence of success is getting your products into the market place as quickly as possible and at a cost that leaves a good margin for profit, I also specialise in these areas of the business and fully understand the legalities and hurdles that the client has to overcome to succeed. I want your ideas to work for you and can guarantee you my close personal attention to all of the details needed for the successful development and manufacture of your vision.


Perhaps it may be worth considering as a different structure to build upon but then again it may be complete crap :P
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Re: How does this sound?

Postby Anj x » Tue 22 Jun, 2010 12:40 pm

Anj x wrote:I am Anj. I'm so stoopid doitury



I am Anj x and I am so telling on Mac for pillaging my mumblings account >>>>>:L
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