The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

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Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Murray Walker » Tue 21 Jan, 2014 10:23 am

The one and only Frank Carson.

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctors. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat b******!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
Murray Walker
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Posts: 20292
Joined: Thu 30 Nov, 2006 2:19 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Murray Walker » Tue 28 Jan, 2014 2:14 pm

My mates just got the sack from his job on the dodgems - he's planning to take them to a tribunal for funfair dismissal.................
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I've just found out i can still have sex at 74!!

I'm so happy because i live at 68 so its not far to walk home.........................
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My uncle has just given up his job in the tiddly winks factory..........................................

he said it was counter-productive
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In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa
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One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and "expletive" is not the correct answer
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I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new childrens iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
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My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker
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A mate of mine has just told me he's sleeping with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is fat, yellow & lazy and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
Murray Walker
Moderator
 
Posts: 20292
Joined: Thu 30 Nov, 2006 2:19 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Murray Walker » Thu 10 Jul, 2014 3:25 pm

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.

Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
Murray Walker
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Posts: 20292
Joined: Thu 30 Nov, 2006 2:19 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Murray Walker » Tue 30 Sep, 2014 3:44 pm

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses.
The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up.
The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
Murray Walker
Moderator
 
Posts: 20292
Joined: Thu 30 Nov, 2006 2:19 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Murray Walker » Wed 12 Nov, 2014 10:32 am

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really buggered now."
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
Murray Walker
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Posts: 20292
Joined: Thu 30 Nov, 2006 2:19 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Murray Walker » Wed 05 Aug, 2015 2:48 pm

This is apparently called British Summer Time. How sarcastic can you get?
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
Murray Walker
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Posts: 20292
Joined: Thu 30 Nov, 2006 2:19 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Pepper » Fri 14 Aug, 2015 11:27 pm

:)


http://www.motorsportmumblings.co.uk/msm

Simply the best motorsport forum there is.
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Re: The Hookwood™ Joke Thread

Postby Murray Walker » Fri 25 Sep, 2015 9:35 am

My girlfriend asked me to say something dirty so I said Volkswagen Golf Turbodiesel.
Unless I'm very much mistaken...
Oh, I am very much mistaken!
Murray Walker
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Posts: 20292
Joined: Thu 30 Nov, 2006 2:19 pm
Location: Ireland

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